Real life

My demons though quiet, are never quite silenced. Calm as they may be, they wait patiently for a reason to wake, take an overdue breath, and crawl back in to my ear.

Recently I was robbed, my car was broken into and my belongings taken from me. Quite tragically it was things that I am having a hard time acquiring back. However, they are replaceable so I suppose I should look on the bright side of life…. Everyone keeps saying this; I am working towards applying that mindset. To lay this all out in black and white, someone hurt me in a way that was not physical; it was all completely mental perhaps a little bit emotional as well. How did they ‘hurt’ me do you ask? Let me rewind to a few chapters prior to this and perhaps quote a piece from one of my other blogs for you.

A little over seven years ago I was a struggling drug addict, (HA struggling addict, is there any other kind? Aren’t they all struggling? Sorry, self-stab-joke) anyways I was a druggie looking for a fix, not sure if you are aware of this but drugs cost quite a bit of money. In fact, I was running a bill of roughly 500 George Washingtons a day! So, how did my fifteen year old self obtain the means to keep the habit thriving? Well I am glad you ask…. I was a thief. I stole from countless people at innumerable locations; my specialty? 

Carjacking.

I was damn good at it too…and people leave a great deal of things in their cars….oh my, oh my…the things I would find. It amazed me, I am not even exaggerating I was actually truly baffled by some of the items. I made fantastic currency off of others personal stuff and I was able to get my fix day in and day out. Granted, I sold and bartered other things in my life but this was one thing I didn’t have to offer up my self-worth or my own dignity for. Hmm, scratch that. I do feel like I lost my dignity. It was drained from me the moment the needle hit my skin and the white creature slithered into my bloodstream. Washed away.

So there is that quick trip down memory lane for ya, and now let’s fast forward back to the present shall we? I have cleaned up, changed myself in ways I cannot even begin to express, and rewrote my entire life to become something else, something new and beautiful. A butterfly, I woven my cocoon from all of the stringy terrible depths of shit that was surrounding me and now I am flourishing in the real world letting my wings fly.

B A M, I am struck down by lightning and getting fucked up by some truth here.

I was just mugged! They took my entire identity, my life in one swoop! But do you not see? I wasn’t robbed of my things, I was robbed of myself. Here I am reprimanding these people for what they did for me when in all reality I used to do the same damn thing to others not too long ago. I think the word hypocrite is what comes to mind as you’re reading this; if not then I’ll just say that’s what comes to mine.

 I feel like a total hypocrite.

 I feel dirty, unworthy of being able to be upset, I feel deprived of the person I thought I was now and pushed back into the past of who I was then. It’s not fair, and life is not fair in general we all know this; however I am actually starting to feel like this is actually justified. I do in fact sort of warrant this in some ways. Karma is a big deal to me, I stand by it. I think that karma is a real thing and that it is dished out to those who earn it. Whether it is good or bad, you receive whatever you put out in this world. That’s part of the reason I have been trying to ‘right’ myself so to speak. I recognized the evil person that I once was and began to renovate myself into someone worthy of a life and place in this wild world.  I have had good things happen to me because of this, and I have had some pretty awful things happen to me as well. It is my goal every time something that is unpleasant takes place within my realm that I stop and ponder as to why this could have happened to me. Those of you who are religious I am not one to call on god and curse him for all of the depraved that has transpired, I begin thinking back to my long list of outlandish and heart wrenching endeavors of my being and start to connect pieces of them to now. This is the reason I do believe in karma, because if I were to make a chart of some sorts and draw lines between events that took place then and now I would be able to make sense of things. That is my beliefs, though I don’t attend a ceremony and I do not enter into designated areas or buildings with singing choirs and ugly ties, I have a belief system of my own.

Therefore, today as I am frustrated, tired, and very angry with this situation that has come about; I am understanding and open to the healing and restoration that is now to take place. I will continue to produce virtuous things throughout all aspects of myself and my life from here on out just as I have been, and I will not let this get the best of me.  This is an enormous step towards recovery because I am letting go of those who have wronged me and not continuing the vicious cycle of evil by harming them. I am not sure if you are aware of the twelve step program but that is one of the twelve steps….Forgiveness, it’s actually the one step I have been working to achieve for years now, many years. You are supposed to right yourself by forgiving all those that have hurt you, those you have caused harm to, and most importantly forgiving yourself. I am currently still on this step because I haven’t quite mastered how to forgive everyone else, but I REALLY have a tough time forgiving myself. I know that people are mean, careless and sometimes selfish, so I know how to let them ease by and forgive them no problem. It’s just the rest of it that gets me.  

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am pleased to announce I am currently back on track with my Alcoholics Anonymous and the twelve step program. It feels good to be back in the game, and back to working on bigger things than just withdrawal and detox recovery…myself importantly.

Here is to the next lesson that I might have to tackle and learn from, life is full of those isn’t it? Gah, love it. I am just happy to be here is all.