I recently came across
an article called “What it’s like to be in love when you have depression”. I
was intrigued by the title and naturally, curiosity took over and I began
reading. I was very agreeing with a lot of the pointers laid out in the
article; and I started to come up with some facts myself. What it’s like to be
in love when you have depression…Well I can only share what it’s like for me to
be in love when I have depression, I cannot speak for anyone else. Every single
being on this planet is different, and I believe there are many types of depression/sadness
etc. So bear with me as I begin to explain how I too suffer from depression and
yet have still found a way to enjoy one of life’s greatest gifts, falling in
love with your soul mate.
The hardest part about being depressed is the
inability to control that fact. It’s one thing when you’re sad and you can sort
of turn that frown upside down so to speak, not to quote nursery songs on ya or
anything but it’s sort of true in that sense. When you’re depressed, you’ve
lost all capacity to be able to regulate. It literally takes over you as a
person, or as I said, this is me, so that’s how it works for me. I can act like
I am the happiest person in the world, a bright yellow banana, but once peeled
you will see bruises and brown ripe spots. Depression for me isn’t a daily
struggle; it comes and goes; however I am never aware when it will make its
debut next. For that fact, I am grateful for my heaven sent partner in crime
who puts up with the roller coaster of emotions that sometimes floods in and
out of my existence.
Being in love is
wonderful; it’s probably one of the most amazing experiences that one could
ever go through in this life. I have had so much fun spending these prized
moments with the person whom my soul smiles for, the one who makes butterflies
flutter in my stomach. It is a thrilling, exciting journey you get to embark on
with another human who you admire. I am forever indebted to my loving and
understanding partner who constantly is reminding me how beautiful life can truly
be. For someone who sees the world in patches of grey, it’s amazing to have
another paint color into your pictures and spread light through all of the
darkness.
Having someone to
cherish while enduring the dreaded depths of black that surround you is all
that I could have ever dreamed of. Yes, I have fits of crying and sadness that
take over me for sometimes no apparent reason or explanation as to why. Yes, I
sometimes don’t feel well enough to trudge out of bed in the morning or ever
for that matter. Yes, I have had thoughts of ending my life at one point or
another. And yes, I feel as though having someone to share my burdens and
baggage with is what has kept me stable a lot of the time. Well that, and some
prescriptions as well as personal therapy within. Let’s keep it real here, it
is a disease and it does take medication and sometimes other methods to maintain.
Having someone to hold you when you don’t feel like you are significant can’t
always bring an automatic glow to your gloomy days, but it sure does help when
you feel alone to get that extra squeeze to make it. I am not a person who
believes in co-dependency; in fact I would consider myself the exact opposite.
I am extremely independent and self-sustained in the circumstance that I don’t
believe anyone really ‘needs’ a significant other to make them happy or to be
there to pick up the pieces. I honestly believe that you need to be your own
hero when you need help or when you are broken. I don’t want someone to save
me; I want them to stand by my side as I save myself. With that being said, I
do agree in the point of the matter that having someone who loves you on your
team with this fight is definitely a pro in the pro’s and con’s list. It always astounds me how the simplicity of
my love being near me when I am pained with this disease that can truly help me
to heal wounds. His presence brings happiness when it feels like there is none.
What is it like to be
depressed? It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone around you
breathing. When I plunge into the dark depths I don’t look up, I am just diving
deeper into the black part of the water praying that I find my way back to the
surface soon. There are days when I think about terrible things that have taken
place in my life, there are days that I can’t bear to be around anyone, there
are days that I don’t feel right-unexplainable feelings of misplacement, there
are common plagues of irritability where I am a complete ass hole, and there
are days that I wonder why I was ever created and what purpose I fill as a
member of this planet.
Depression holds no
bars, it doesn’t care that I am in love with someone else. It doesn’t care that
I have found an incredible person who genuinely cares, loves, and showers me
with affection. I am pleased to say I
found someone who will put up with my spurts of insecurities, random freak
outs, and times of solemn solace that I reach out for. This disease could give
two shits about the fact that no matter what I put this man through; he will
always be there for me. It still sends me through the ringer when I have
moments where I don’t want to be alive, where I hate everything and everyone,
and it still hovers when I am forced to think about awful events. But you know
what? There my charming boyfriend is, waiting for me every time I come up for a
breath from the coma of blackness.
I get scared from time
to time, I am afraid he will leave me because of the trouble it must cause him
to stand and watch me suffer. I am frightened that it will be too much to
handle one day, he won’t be able to endure the mood swings, the crying, and the
inner battle that I am fighting. I try reassuring
him that it’s definitely of no doing on his part, but I am sure you can only
say that so much to someone. This burden that I carry is being partially
carried by someone else. I am overjoyed by the fact that the pack I have been
lugging around has lightened by his presence, however I am nervous that it soon
will be too heavy for him. Anxiety gets the best of me; I wonder if he is happy
when I am so unhappy at times.
The thing that keeps me
going throughout all of this is the simple fact that I now understand what love
really means. I get why people were so thrilled to have it in their hands and
desperate to never let it go. Being in love is like having a best friend, but
more. It’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else. That
someone who makes you a better person. No, actually they don’t make you a
better person. You do that by yourself because they inspire you. Being in love
is having someone carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you,
accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else
would. And no matter what happens, you’ll always love them and nothing could
ever change that. I have a hard time accepting love, because for the longest
time I didn’t think that I deserved it. After lengthy late night talks, holding
hands in silence while deep in thought, long car rides with no
destination, and precious moments of
intimacy, I finally was able to give myself to someone who gave back to me.
This gift I was granted is something that I will always treasure, I know that
he will too. Because being in love means loving every single fiber of that
person whether it’s tainted or not. There are days where I feel like a mess and
I don’t say anything, I don’t even act like there is dimness in my soul. But I
can always count on my love to be there for me when it subsides and have him to
talk to about all of the grim details.
That’s what it’s like
for me to be in love when I have depression. I finally realized that I wasn’t
entirely broken, maybe just a little bent. I found someone who could see past
all of my flaws, including the ones I was judgingly myself so harshly on.You
have to remind yourself that you are worth it, and remember that other people
believe you are worth it too. It’s not easy; in fact it’s a struggle to work
around sometimes. But I am glad that no matter what I have to go through, he is
there to help me get past it. It’s a journey for us both, so glad I found the
right person to share it with.
I want to take the bits
of you I love
And press them like
flowers
Between the pages of my
favorite book
And I want to take all
of the scraps
That you dislike in
yourself
And display them on my
refrigerator
To show you I’m still
proud
Of the person you are
And the person you are
becoming
But most of all, I want
to spin you like a globe
And drag my finger
across till it stops
To discover the pieces
of you
That you’ve yet to
reveal to anyone else
I want to wrap them up
in linen
And place them in an
old cigar box,
I’d tuck it away safely
In the top drawer of my
bedside table,
So you know I’ll never
let
Those pieces of you go
Because when you share
Hidden parts of
yourself
With someone else,
You’re trusting that
person
To hold the secret
sections
Of your heart
And to love the bits
You thought
Were unlovable.
