Reconstruction

She,

In the dark,

Found light

Brighter than many ever see.

She,

Within herself,

Found lovliness,

Through the soul’s own mastery.

And now the world receives

From her dower:

The message of the strength

Of inner power.

Stories, I have told you many of them as of late. Today I would like to share one in particular that has made a colossal influence on how I live my life now. Not to say that the other recollections in my previous writings weren’t impacting, but this specific memoir holds detailed meaning to the here and now for me. It is what drives me to be who I am and do what I do on a daily basis.

Tapping my skinny fingers on the desk that lies before me, I scan around apprehensively trying to assess the other timid teenagers; my fellow prisoners. I was admitted into a rehab facility less than 72 hours prior, and my head is throbbing, my body aches, and my brain is sprinting at a million miles per minute trying to conjure a plan out of here. Shakes have set in and my body is twitching with desire, longing for what I cannot possess while I am locked up in this institution. The metallic taste, muscle spasms, pounding headaches, nausea, and hallucinations all flood through my entirety; taking over my being as any reminisces of the white creature trickle out of my system. Detox; an unpretentious process to some, to those that endure it…it can literally rip you into fragments from the inside out. Your body honestly feels like it is being shut down and the only way to restart it, is with a simple heat up of a spoon. Something you cannot partake in anymore, recovery-that’s what they call that one.

Upon entering into such a trivial tucked away village (yes, it was like a little village in which young adults occupy in order to get well) I didn’t have the correct mindset. But in all honesty, who did? You’re forced into a place against your will, destroyed from everything you knew before, and raped of your privileges and rights as a citizen, all to make you “better”; excuse me….HEALTHY. I was (still am) an extremely headstrong and stubborn person, it took more than sealed doors and shrinks to get me to break. I was immoveable; I wouldn’t and couldn’t give up just like that.

The therapist started by asking if anyone had any issues, complaints, or this one’s cute good news to share with the group. A few arms shot up and for the next hour we listened to sob story after sob story of these children go on about what their problems were. Meanwhile my illness as I refer to it was raging through my system and causing me to panic, and turn violent. I shouted obscenities and tore others down during their speeches, I kept rubbing my eyes thinking they were bleeding but really they were uncontrollable tears that just kept gushing out, I stood up and threw things, I hurled what little food had been force fed to me before hand, and I kept shaking. SO MUCH SHAKING. One thing that I’ll never get over is the tremors; they made my bones feel like they were gradually being broken one by one. It was probably the most unbearable pain I have ever felt physically, and yes that’s including the other actual broken bones sustained from my celebrated ex who threw me out of cars, through walls, and into furniture. I would give anything not to experience tremors again; unfortunately that’s just how withdrawals work. They come, and they go, whenever they please. I wrote this poem when I was in my first stages of rehab, the draining continued and I still felt like I was being murdered a slow, painful death.

 The number one rehab killer=withdrawals

Drain this sorrow and forget my past,

Drowning deeper...how long will this last?

With a blade that longs to feel,

Open a vein, make it real.

Feel the rush, encourage the drive

Stick me with needles,

Feel so alive.

Pulsating pleasure, divine high

With all this pain,

I am ready to die.

I was taken into rehab in hopes of rectifying my behavior and cleansing my body, riding myself of any more drugs no matter what kind they were. I was there for two and a half months; I played their games and acted like I had changed. The light bulb clicked after I was apprehended for my therapy outburst, I realized what I had to do to make my break. I needed them to believe I was getting better…healthy. I needed them to think that I was going to be the perfect girl my mom thought she brought home from the hospital back in 92. I had to do what I had always done to make things work, I had to cheat, steal, and LIE. Two months of brutal group therapy sessions, family therapy, individual therapy, physical therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy. I finally was released back into the real world, my old life. Addiction will rule your entire realm if you let it, it will take over everything that you do, and it will keep you from the healing process. I think I was addicted to my own self destruction. I couldn’t escape from my past, I couldn’t move on. I had to go back, I needed to go back. Too bad that ole mommy dear didn’t know, once you get the monkey off your back the circus still hasn’t left town yet.

I was cautious at first, didn’t want to leap right back into the swing of things, they would have noticed. I waited and about a week later I was back in the arms of the demons that inspired me before. I was sitting in the basement of the apartment I first partook in my dangerous road of substance abuse and holding a flame to an old bent spoon. Relapse; oh dear good sweet relapse. It was magnificent, it was everything. My whole body was in frenzy over the rush of having the white creature ascend through me, I was airborne again. I gave up all of the things I was working on, to go flying for just one more night. Because that’s all that it took, that night and the moment I came home they all knew. By 8 AM the next morning I was hunched over in a rigid chair in the office to my rehab with my suitcases beside me. They all knew, what’s worse is I didn’t fool anyone but myself.

I lasted a week and half and I was back to square one, only this time they were going to be watching me a lot more carefully and this time withdrawals weren’t just going to be physical or mental, they were going to be emotional. I had just disappointed every single person who had tried to help me the first time. I was alone and lost by myself in an empty room without any shoes, rights, or comfort; all I had to console myself was my thoughts and sobriety. In the words of fight club, It’s only after we have lost everything are we free to do anything. I think I always wanted to be healthy even from the beginning of the first time, I just didn’t know how to go about it and how to accept help. I didn’t love myself enough to get better, which is sort of ridiculous considering how much that line is used during therapy sessions. You HAVE to love yourself to become a better person, I think you don’t need love from just yourself but you need to experience love throughout every aspect of your life. I needed it from everyone, everything, and especially myself.

My personal road to recovery went as follows:

Realizing that I was worth it.

Experiencing true happiness.

Caring about myself.

Overcoming my demons.

Validating my worth.

Eating without regret.

Relapse-it’s going to happen, it’s inevitable and that’s okay.

Yearning to live.

I had to fight like hell and fighting like hell made me who I am today. I went through a vast amount of scuffles through my life, but getting addicted to drugs and becoming sober has made me a greater human being. As insane as that may sound to some, I honest to god believe that. I believe that the most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. Don’t get me wrong, overcoming addiction was extremely difficult; I was challenged in many ways but in the words of the famous Socrates: “The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” That’s what I did; I reconstructed a whole new life from the ashes of my old one.

Whilst rebuilding, I found out so much about myself. I thought that my dependency was the thing that was always putting me back together whenever I fell apart so I clung to it until I realized that it was what was breaking me to begin with. Through sobriety I came to the realization that I had injured and devastated so many relationships with my family, friends, everyone. I couldn’t just reestablish myself, I had to restore with every single person I have ever and will ever meet. After discharge from rehab ten months later, I was a new person being released this time. I decided to live through consideration, understanding, and most of all true happiness. I was high on life this time.

I just feel like I need to save everyone to redeem myself. I need to be the best that I can be, in every aspect. I want to have friends everywhere, I want to be there when you need me, and I want to show you what love and being happy means. I think that everyone needs to experience that; everyone needs a little bit of that in their lives from someone else. When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them. This changed me; I literally transformed who and what I was as a total being and made what I am today.  I am by no means perfect, I promise you that, but I really strive to be a genuinely compassionate person.  As overused as it may be, everyone deserves to feel love in some shape or form. The world just needs a little bit more love in it. (Call me silly, but it’s absolutely the truth).

There are many individuals out there struggling, just trying to survive. I want to save them all. We think that we want to disappear, but all we really want is to be found. I want to be the savior to everyone, I like being there for others. I like to help in any way possible, through any adversity that my friends and or family may be dealing with. This is who I am today, and this is why. I am trying to make better on my new life, in order for me to forgive myself of my old one I took on this silent vow inside of me. I don’t want any of my loved ones to have to go through what I did; it’s not a road anyone should have to take nor should they travel it alone.

I have a lot of various people ask me why I let others walk all over me, or why I keep offering help to those who ‘don’t deserve it’ because one day they are going to be a magnificent person out there in this grand world. I want to help them get there, because I am indebted for those who assisted me when I was at my lowest point. If it wasn’t for my family and friends who never gave up on me, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I make it my personal goal to try and reach out to at least five people a day and try to make their lives better in some way. I like who I am now, and I like what I do. I am actually ecstatic and optimistic that I am making a positive influence on this earth. I am washing myself of who I was and I am hoping that I am doing the same for another lost soul out there.

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. –C.S. Lewis