Life after Death

My road to recovery

Twelve steps, feels like I have 12 million more.

It’s an unhealable wound, a constant open sore.

100mph to 0 in less than a day and my body is only getting frailer,

I really don’t think I can stay.

Heavy footsteps, faint voices, shining lights, pale faces.

Giant towers of depression gloom over me,

Keep looking up, that’s all that I see.

Frantic expressions, wide eyes, every gasp is full of lies.

Deep breath, in and out, over and under, let’s try to work this out.

Fading fast, don’t know if I will last

When is this feeling going to pass?

One more paddle hits my chest; maybe this is what’s best.

A black blanket, it’s dark in here, that’s all that I can tell

Nothing left inside of me, just an empty hollow shell.

Floating again, I’m wide awake; I can see the faces clearer, the ones I can’t shake.

Taking in my surroundings, nothing seems just right

Everyone is staring at me, and I can’t comprehend their fright.

Shooting pains, confused by my sight, nothing is the same as it was earlier in the night.

Cheating death, and escaping my fate, perhaps next time they will be a little too late.

We are all trying to stop the clock, halt time, and keep us from dying. Keep us from slipping away, from everyone, everything, all of it. We are trying to prolong the inevitable, steal a few more moments here in the now. Why? What’s so dazzling about life? Let me just tell you, seven years ago I couldn’t quite fathom why becoming extinct was such a debauched thing. At one point, I actually hungered after being able to feel something, anything, and death was what I was craving, because I wanted to know the feeling of dying, falling off this planet and awakening some sort of sensation out of me.  You’re probably questioning, what the hell is wrong with you? I have asked myself that question for years about numerous different things.

What IS wrong with me?

Why did I feel this way?

I am lying in a hospital bed eyes wide open but no life dances inside of them. They are blank, stare less, no one is present inside. The doctors have two paddles they are vigorously propelling onto my bare chest, and the room is animated with swift movements by every hospital personal present. My carcass lies rigid, no drive besides the surge of electricity as they attempt to restart my heart.  30 seconds of forceful movements and efforts towards bringing me back to life, I finally come to and the beeping on the monitor lights up with the lines of life. Everyone breaths a heavy sigh, and I glance around with deep confusion and fresh breathes of a new me. I am reborn, and I can feel the stiff glowers of those around me with mistrust and some (belonging to my family) of relief. Pain, this time it’s not just physical, it’s everywhere in everything that I am. 

P a i n.

Let’s clear things up a bit; first of all, overdosing was never part of my great master plan. Not that I am even sure I had a plan. Unfortunately it just happened, I miscalculated one evening and before I knew it someone (just take a wild guess who, he controlled my entire being) had dropped my almost dead and gone figure upon the footsteps of the emergency room in downtown and drove off. Perhaps to mitigate getting into trouble, but I think that it’s because he honestly did not care enough to walk me the extra few steps inside and was only thinking of his selfish high. I sure knew how to pick a winner didn’t I?

Anyways, Yes I did in fact by the books ‘die’ around 11 PM that night, and within 30 seconds I was back to inhabiting this planet. So, let’s explore this shall we? I died, and I came back to life. That was it. I didn’t have some epiphany or outer body experience, nothing. There was darkness, and then there wasn’t. That was all that my life was worth apparently, not a god damn thing. It’s funny because I hear and see all these different stories of experiences while being gone and then they come back enlightened and rejuvenated. I did not in any way go through that and I am here to tell you with a heavy heart it gave me the exact opposite feelings. I wished they hadn’t of saved me, and I wished I would have just eased out of this place right then and there. Because dying is easy, living is what was tough.

         Upon leaving here where do you go? What happens to you? Do you disappear?

Heaven. Hell. Who is to say what really exists? I lost my faith a long time ago; I think I might have even lost it when I was too young to understand what it actually was. I guess you have a string of rotten events take place in your lifespan you begin to become numb to religion or the idea that anything could get restored, even the afterlife. As I recovered slightly the rest of the night I thought of heaven and hell, and I thought of my soul being taken to some other place had I not returned. I still to this day am unsure as to what would have happened to me, nor do I know what will become of me now if I were to take a wrong turn and leave again. Heaven, it seems like a nice delusion to play into but then so does Hell. I think people just need something to hold onto to keep them from being so petrified of dying; I think people need the justification for being who they are.  

But that is very pessimistic of me isn’t it? Perhaps so, but I think that a lot of people do use religion and faith for those reasons whether they realize it or not. I like the idea of religion, and I like the idea of being a better person because of said religion. However, I am not one for organized faith. But hey, that’s just me.  When I look back on some of these memories and especially this one in particular I really question what I stand for and what I actually believe in. I would like to share with you today some of my views and values that keep me going through this wild life that I have been living almost 23 years now. I noticed as I was contemplating some of these things, my perspective on life itself sort of changed. 

The first thing I believe in is second chances. If you don’t already know this, I have been clean from Meth for seven years now. (It feels so good to say that finally.) How did I get here? Definitely a lot of second chances were dealt out to me, sometimes even third chances, fourth, fifth, etc. It was not an easy road to recovery and it took many endeavors to get clean and start fresh with different situations. I am glad that I was afforded more opportunities than one. You need to start giving people more room to rebuild and show you that they can be better. I truly and one hundred percent believe that. If you live by the standard “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” you’re wrong. I don’t follow that rule, because sometimes it takes a few ‘fooling arounds’ to get it right. Nobody is perfect and if you judge someone else’s progress off your success in that subject you are only putting down a potentially outstanding citizen one day. You may have gotten something on the first try, but for others it could take a few more. I am a perfect example of that sort of walking disaster, everyone deserves to be built up even if they are the reason they were tore down in the first place.

The second thing is, judging others. I could put down some cliché Bob Marley quote like “who are you to judge the life I live” some garbage like that, or I could just simply state this; Remember that time you were going through a really horrible situation and everyone hung your dirty laundry out to dry for you and embarrassed you? Or remember when you were struggling so bad that you had to ask for help and people dismissed you and made you feel insignificant? Do you remember ever hearing people talk about you when you’re already down on your knees praying for another life? It didn’t feel that great did it? So stop doing it to other people. As over used as it is, treat people they way you want to be treated. Stop talking shit and help them. If you see someone who is a total mess, be the bigger person and don’t TALK about it, DO something about it. When did we lose our sense of community over these years? When did our neighbors become someone to gossip about instead of reaching out to? Be the bigger person, and don’t be ass holes. Help someone out, because I wish and I mean wished with all of my might that someone, anyone would have offered me some support instead of labeling me as this dirty drug addict with a million psychotic problems and talking about me negatively which in turn sent me on a spiral downwards.

Show compassion, in everything that you do. Love everyone, love everything, love life, every damn thing you see or come across. Love it. You never know who is deprived of love or is starving for some sort of consideration to be shown to them, warranted or not. Out of all of the awful things I went through, I took away from it that you need to be caring to all people especially those with wounded spirits. You’d think I would be so broken and torn down after everything and very negative towards things in general…not quite all the way. I actually have a pretty positive mindset. I went through an immense amount of struggles and I think that out of all of it I owe the world some form of decent person who tries to do well in all things. I made a lot of mistakes and did some harm to those around me, so I strive to show everyone this kind, caring, and excellent human being in hopes of rectifying what and who I was. How's that for rebirth? (It only took me years to figure it out)

These are a few of the principles I try to live by. I am by no means in any way shape or form where I need to be in life as excelling towards this brilliant person I want to be. However, I do try my hardest to outshine in all aspects that I have noted for you. I still have a tough time trying to decide if I believe in heaven or hell or any religion for that matter, but like I said, I enjoy the idea of it and I think one day I just might be able to wrap my mind around something. As for now, I am just living in the here and now and pushing towards being an outstanding being in society today. I stumbled through my childhood with little hope, but honestly I am really starting to look up towards the future. I am depressed some days, and others I am thrilled at the adventures I am thrown. I think I am going to make it though, just a couple of steps at a time.

So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

Who are you really?

you are not a name or a height or a weight

or a gender

you are not an age

and you are not where you are from

you are your favorite books

and the songs stuck in your head

you are your thoughts

and what you eat for breakfast

on saturday mornings

you are a thousand things

but everyone chooses

to see the million things

you are not

you are not 

where you are from

you are

where you are going.